Thursday, January 19, 2006

A Dissertation on Pants

Greetings, peons (Although I'm sure you're not that kind of orc).

My name is Eric, and no, I'm not your pilot, but I did stay in a Holiday Inn Express last night, and through much time spent meditating on the subject, I have determined myself to be less sane than everyone around me in that I am more normal than they.

But I digress. I have been admitted into the Pantheon here after the obviously awesome potshots I've taken at Kevin, Tyler, and Nader's articles. I seem to have the ability to embellish other people's ideas with deadly...accuracy or something. But now that the pleasantries are out of the way, please direct your attention to the rest of this drivel, Mr. Bond.

Something I can't seem to grasp well is the concept of fashion. Sure, fancy clothes may make you look nice (sometimes), but some trends just appear to be downright ridiculous and in some cases, painful. Take pants, for example. A noble article of clothing that suffers from the English language (what is one unit of "pant" exactly?). The mighty pant(s) has an important job in that while worn correctly, the wearer experiences greatly decreased social awkwardness. However what seems to be "in" is the abuse of certain denim breeds of pants. People will often pay hundreds of dollars for a pair of pants (is that one or two pant units?) that appear(s) to have already been run over by various vehicles bearing heavy loads or left dangerously close to a paper shredder of an executive who is in danger of having his cooked books discovered. Why do people buy something that has obviously already been ruined? (albeit professionally) For the same reason people buy Urban Assault Vehicles and 8 bathroom plantation houses they cannot afford, but that's straying from the rant at hand.

Another article of fashion I would like to point out is certain high-heeled shoes. I refer to them as "pizza-slice" shoes because they are about the same size as a smallish slice of pizza and because they have a deadly point at the toe end that could easily pierce the skin with enough force. I know (or don't know, whichever) why people would buy the shoes (Hummer, 8 bathrooms, etc.), but why would anyone actually wear something like that? If you have to run the risk of disfiguring the half of each foot in order to fit into a multi-hundred dollar pair of pizza slices made out of some form of pleather or, in the case of hundreds of dollars more, the skin of a dead animal, then why bother? It brings up images of the original (un-Disney'd) version of Cinderella in which the three stepsisters chop off portions of their feet in order to fit their foot in the glass pizz-...*ahem* slipper.

Well that's my first piece of madness (or wisdom) and I hope (or don't) that you still (or never) have/had your sanity (or lack thereof) .

I realize now that in a stunning display of hypocrisy, my post is equal to or bigger than Nader’s juggernaut, but I’m sure that it’s entirely not my fault, and is obviously someone else’s.


Anonymous ghosh said...

how many hundred dollar pairs of pants do u own again? cuz i hav about..... none..... but i do agree w/ u on the pizza, i dont get y pepes pay so much for them,,,, hmmmmm i'm kinda hungry right now,,,,,,,,,,, i think i'll go bye some pizza........

11:41 PM  
Blogger Kevin said...

POST BY NADER moved from main page:

Remember, Nader say:

Man who wear tight pants have nothing to fill said pants.

That is why emo kid so sad.


Sorry, Nader. This belongs in comments. And it's too much fun to abuse my admin powers.

7:38 PM  
Anonymous ghosh said...

r u an emo? i dont get emos.... i mean y get so bugged about everything, if ur up tight just take a chill pill and ummmm wear clothes that fit....... or wellll almost fit and are a tiny bit loose..... wow i reely need a belt... neway as i was saying i dont the emo music either i mean its not like its all inspirational or anything..... or anything like that.........or anything....... i'm not focused right now..... i think i'm gana go run or sumtin........shuln't hav skipped lax..........

8:44 PM  
Blogger Kevin said...

Seeing that we call a unit of pants a pair of pants and a unit of shorts a pair of shorts, it must mean that each unit of pants is made of two individual pant subunits. Therefore, is it possible to merge one pant and one short to create a non-matching unit pair? Maybe we would call it a pair of shants. Has a ring to it.

I think we're on to something. We'll be rich!

7:36 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Let me first ask ghosh, why must you type in the manner by which a stuttering person speaks? i mean "..." is cool now and again, but when repeated over 10 times it begins kills the purpose.
In regards to Eric's post, while jeans and materialism are evil, they are but a necessary evil. let their materialism bring about the free market capitalism we Americans love. Let them eat cake! ... and pizza too.

8:21 PM  

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