Wednesday, January 18, 2006

The Steak to End All Steaks

I've noticed, with my unparalleled powers of observation, that (I am the only sane and intelligent person in the entire world, but that's another story. As I was saying,) restaurants these days go to incredible lengths to come up with "signature" and "house special" dishes that are supposed to distinguish them from other restaurants as unique and classy. As much as I love it when a restaurant serves me their house special, USDA-select, 7oz. cut of top filet mignon, fresh-cut and trimmed, marinated in soy sauce, sesame, fresh garlic, asian spices and ginger and then slowly and craftfully char-grilled over a dead-tree fire while being glazed with their signature homemade sesame teriyaki seppuku sauce and topped with sautéed fresh New York-style acid trip mushrooms and bleu anthrax cheese crumbles, I wouldn't mind a plain old steak either.

One thing I admire about ethnic restaurants (REAL ethnic restaurants - not the Americanized nonsense) is that they occupy the other end of the spectrum, often neglecting to offer any description of their dishes at all beyond the titles. In Chinese restaurants I sometimes see "Seafood Mystery" on the menu, or the even more enigmatic "Double Happiness." It keeps me guessing. Once at a Korean restaurant I found on the menu - literally - a dish titled "???" with no other descriptives. Now that's what I call bold restaurant entrepeneurship. If I were Donald Trump, I would hire the owner of that restaurant without question. But I wonder if anyone actually orders the ???. I mean, how would you even tell the waiter you want it? "I'd like to try the question marks, please. Extra crispy."

The government beams these thoughts into my head from its mind control towers to distract me from questioning its policies. Well actually Nader thought it up, but he doesn't count.

20 Comments:

Anonymous Ghosh said...

i find americanized restruants good, i lyk the descriptions so at least i hav some idea of what i'm ordering

11:12 PM  
Anonymous Karen said...

Ghosh is racist.

I think there's seafood in the Double Happiness.

11:18 PM  
Anonymous jose said...

ghosh isn't racist, panda expressed is better than any 'real' chinese food. hav u ever been to china?! their chinese food is no where near as good as sthe stuff in the U.S. of A.

11:34 PM  
Anonymous jose said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

11:34 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I ate a pickle today....it was niiiiiiiiiice. Has anybody else eaten a dill picle?

6:19 PM  
Blogger Brandon said...

i dont think anyone here is being racist. i mean come on. i went to Japan once and got sick for 3 months cuz i ate an octupus in a dough ball. i went to china once and choked on a chopstick. well thats not really food, but O WELL!!!

oo and u, anonymous, GO DILL PICKLES!!!!!!!

6:31 PM  
Anonymous ghosh said...

are there any other type of pickles except dil pickles?

6:34 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

ummmmmmmmmmm

6:42 PM  
Anonymous jose said...

hey how do u higher writers for this blog? i mean can how do we write randomly like u? i've always wanted to write random things... and ask questions like 'y is the sky blue' or 'y do people lyk college so much?' or how about 'r americans ethnocentric?'

6:43 PM  
Blogger Brandon said...

hey! ur name is Brandon too! this is weird...Were you named after your grandfather that died in the Vietnam war when he was 26 and had two kids and loved frogs also?? i bet u were. i have found that most brandon's are.

6:47 PM  
Anonymous ghosh said...

how come there aren't any other joses? this plaace is so racisst, they're shuld be more mexicans.... and if brandons g-father died in nam, then how was he born? ahh the questions to ponder

6:49 PM  
Blogger Brandon said...

umm.....no i wasn't. but i am claustrophobic. is anybody else claustrophobic. i went caving once, and i almost died because i was in a cave.

____ . .
| \ |\ /|
| / | \ / |
|-- | \ / |
| \ | | |
|___/ | |

I TYPED MY INITIALS THATS SO AWESOME

6:54 PM  
Blogger Brandon said...

DARN I THOUGHT MY INITIAL THING WOULD WORK!!!!

6:55 PM  
Blogger Brandon said...

i'll try again:

____
| . . \ . . |\ . . ./|
|___ / . .| .\ ./. |
| . . \ . . | . \/ . |
|___/ . . | . . . . |

NOW DO U SEE IT?? ITS BM!!

6:58 PM  
Blogger Brandon said...

I can do it too
Let's see...

____ . . . .___
| . . \ . . / . . \
|___ / . . \__
| . . \ . . . . . \
|___/ . . \___/

haha i know. my initials are BS

7:06 PM  
Anonymous Vivian said...

Kevin-
i think u shud lyk higher pepol hoo no how 2 spel n typ write

not 2 mention pepol who r lyke not interested in lyk americanized asian food...ok i give up typing like that

the best Chinese food was the food I ate in China...yes real authentic Chinese (Cantonese) food (yes!)...and you know what???? it wasn't rolled in flour and then deep fried with monosodiumglutamate (sp?) and soy sauce

and sorry to shatter josé and anonymous's dreams but i do not like my cucumbers marinated in vinegar and salt for months

10:48 PM  
Anonymous Vivian said...

oh and how do you even find the time to write all this stuff??? well maybe if I made better use of my time...like not eat so much or waste brain cells watching ER or checking annoying reminders to check my myspace for comments...
DIE MYSPACE DIE!!!

I could be doing better things...such as trying to retain some of the wise words of GIANCOLI

10:55 PM  
Anonymous Jose Santiago said...

hey vivian, dill pickles a fuckn dank, and americanized food is great, even american mexican food is better than real mexican food, and american indain food is way way better than reel indian food. just thought u shuld kno................ and i can do my initals too
. . . . J . . . . . . . . . . . S
. . . . J. . . . . . . . . . . S .
. .. . .J . . . . . . . . . .S . .
. . . . J . . . . . . . . .S . . . .
. . .. .J . . . . . . . . . .S . . .
. . . . J . . . . . . . . . . . . S ..
. .. . .J . . . . . .. . . . . ..S . .
J. . . J . . . . . . . . . . . . S . .
..J.J . . . . . . . . . . . .S

11:36 PM  
Anonymous Jose Santiago said...

hey vivian, dill pickles a fuckn dank, and americanized food is great, even american mexican food is better than real mexican food, and american indain food is way way better than reel indian food. just thought u shuld kno................ and i can do my initals too
. . . . J . . . . . . . . . . . S
. . . . J. . . . . . . . . . . S .
. .. . .J . . . . . . . . . .S . .
. . . . J . . . . . . . . .S . . . .
. . .. .J . . . . . . . . . .S . . .
. . . . J . . . . . . . . . . . . S ..
. .. . .J . . . . . .. . . . . ..S . .
J. . . J . . . . . . . . . . . . S . .
..J.J . . . . . . . . . . . .S

11:36 PM  
Blogger Kevin said...

Stop killing my brain cells. Poor neurons...

They never stood a chance.

11:14 PM  

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