The Stateliest State of the Most Unified Union Ever

Thank you all. Cheerleaders, blind conformists, worshippers, applause-o-bots, distinguished old people wearing uniforms: I am humbled by your shameless groveling. There. Start applauding again. Wallow in the resplendor of my humility! Clap some more. Very good.

This year I will make things better, not worse.

Our nation faces a grave peril from within its very own borders. Cells of terrorist activity, once thought to have disappeared, have been growing in number. These terrorists are commonly known as "trees." As you know, forest fires are caused by trees. Last year, millions of acres of trees burned themselves in suicide attacks on our towns and industries. But these cowardly individuals cannot break the resolve of our great nation. Brave young lumberjacks have stepped forward to defend the liberties of the American people, and I commend each and every one of them for their heroic sacrifices.

In order to combat the very real threat of tree terror, the government must not be held back by legal obligation. I must be allowed to bypass warrants when eavesdropping electronically monitoring environmentalist groups who have had a history of supporting trees. Remember that the trees are only a breath away from killing us all with their razor sharp acorns, and I alone stand between them and you. In order to protect you I need not only to be above search warrants, but I must also be given the authority of line item vetoes, absolute executive power, and the Hammer of Thor. Only then can I truly ensure the safety of the American public.

It is important that Americans agree with me on my foreign policy. If you disagree with me, not only are you unpatriotic, but you are a poo-poo head. That's right, a poo-poo head. We must strive to put aside our differences and work together, both Republicans and Poopooheadcrats alike, to achieve common goals. I decide what those common goals are.

We must be steadfast in Eerok. There's a lot of sand there, but for the sake of the Eerokee people we must sow the seeds of some ideological metaphor about democracy that my speechwriter can't seriously believe that anyone would ever expect me to say in person. Poo-poo heads accuse me of not having a plan for Eerok. Well, here it is: I am preparing to launch Operation Peace and Freedom Forever and Ever for Eternity not just in Eerok but in every sandy place on the planet, including Asia, even though it's not particularly sandy, and I will steadfastly see that it steadfastly does not ever waver in a manner that would not reflect steadfastness. It will instantaneously solve every problem that ever existed in the region, and leave its people with an infinite and undying love for America.

Meanwhile at home, America is addicted to sand. Most of our sand comes from places in the world inhabited by filthy heathens who hate us, even though we have treated them with nothing but boundless love and compassion. We must develop viable alternatives to reduce our dependency on foreign sand. For example, we could invade liberate Canada and take their sand. Or we could use mud instead, which is actually better than sand, but my lobbyists won't allow that so you'll have to wait till my third term.

Oh, and healthcare is important. Studies show that healthcare cares for health, and health keeps people alive. Being alive is the opposite of being dead, and polls show that most Americans don't want to be dead. Therefore, I propose that healthcare be made better. It can be made better by improving its qualities. Those qualities in turn can be enhanced by improvement. All in all, my plan is foolproof no matter what the poo-poo heads say about it.

The reason this country kicks so much butt is because its people has courage. And superior firepower, but mostly courage. I know America kicks butt because God Himself told me. So keep kicking butt, and don't be a poo-poo head. May God bless America.