The Greatest Movie Ever

Before discussing the greatest movie ever, let's reflect on the state of movies today. In the old days people watched movies to see a story, but with today's sensationalist media people want thrills. The success of a top-budget film today is directly proportional to the number of explosions and the volume of fake blood spilled. Of course, moviemakers still include thinly-veiled attempts at storytelling just to keep the critics complacent, but the success of the Matrix sequels and the new Star Wars movies reveals that maybe even that is becoming unnecessary.

Seeing the trend, perhaps it's time to take the next step and do away with those silly "plots" altogether. The Greatest Movie Ever is simply one long, mindless fight scene. No confusing flashbacks of troubled childhoods, no fake British accents, and certainly no love scenes ruined by bad acting. It only includes things people actually want to see: destruction, violence, killing, death, dying, and loss of life. Not even an angsty teen trashing property and eating babies. It has a really awesome-sounding title, like Fahrenheit Fatality, or $uP4r El1m1n4t3, or Bleeding Blade Slam Impact Blast. Let’s go with the last one for now.

Bleeding Blade Slam Impact Blast stars a stereotypical tough-guy protagonist with some random gritty Germanic name like Diefül. The umlaut (dot thing) is essential. Diefül wears a monocle, an oversized trench coat, torn jeans, and the shoes of whatever brand pays us the most money. From within his trench coat he draws a vast assortment of weapons with little regard for practicality or physics. His weapons of choice include a pair of pistols, a shotgun, a rocket launcher, an ice pick, a chainsaw, a sharpened crucifix, and a brick.

The movie begins with Diefül standing in some barren post-apocalyptic landscape littered with the smoking wreckages of postmodern war machines and the charred bones of whales and llamas. A stiff breeze causes Diefül's trench coat and long hair to flap around and look really cool as an ominous chorus chants in Latin. Then following a bombastic hit from the orchestra, ninjas, robots, zombies, aliens, giant insects, and every other conceivable stereotypical antagonistic horde begin to drop from the sky all around Diefül. Mayhem ensues for two whole hours.

The movie ends with a climatic battle with a nameless arch-villain. Both he and Diefül draw lightsabers laser blades beam scimitars non-copyrighted energy-based bladelike weapons and engage in a fight that ends in their mutual deaths. And then the planet explodes.

Awesome, no?