Tuesday, February 28, 2006

Travel Guide: Washington, Center of the Universe

The first thing to know about Washington is that, unlike southern California, it actually has weather. Yeah, the stuff you see on TV and read about in books. Like rain, which is the common name for the phenomenon when water falls from the sky! I know, it sounds really scary. Even more bizarre is this strange white substance that coats the ground during the night. The locals call this material "snow" and it supposedly falls from the sky as well. Surreal, I know. This just comes to reinforce the fact that everything east of California, with the exception of Las Vegas, is actually just a giant hologram illusion run by the government to make us believe that the world is not flat.

Here are three items that are very common in Washington.

I can tell you from experience: if you see a large steel barricade (quite abundant, too) like this one with lots of not-so-happy-looking policemen standing by it, don't go near it, especially if your skin color does not match theirs.

Don't eat lunch in the Supreme Court Food Court (who came up with that name?). It sucks. Now I understand why O'Connor retired early. And after getting sick from the Supreme Court food, certainly don't get lost in the Senate building and stumble upon John Kerry's office. Unless you want to sneak a photo of it and the snobby male secretaries.

After finally getting out of that god-forsaken Senate building, should you see something that resembles this thing, do NOT be carrying anything that resembles food. They are tiny robots programmed by the government to attack and kill without remorse. If they do happen to see you, scream and run like hell.

More later.


Anonymous Anonymous said...

But they're FUZZY... aww. they look so chubby. I wonder how many tourists they killed to get that fat. Aww they have bushy tails, too.

Coo. Point and coo. THEN run.

5:25 AM  

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