The FOX Effect

So you're a television news network executive. You're facing stiff competition from FOX News and other networks resorting to mindless sensationalism to attract more viewers. Your reporters just aren't cutting it, despite your recent special reports featuring a graphic decapitation, two helicopters being shot down by the same missile, and a snake eating an alligator. Even your new reporter, a former prosecutor who never blinks and is in an eternal state of controlled outrage and whose advertising slogan is "I'm Nancy Grace... AND I'M LOCKED AND LOADED!" just isn't pulling it off.

Fine. Your solution, then, is to hire a formerly drug-addicted, disc-jockeying Mormon, make him get a haircut, and put him on the air as the "new and refreshing" voice in your network. Instruct him to laugh at all of his own jokes and confine his interviews exclusively to sexy blonde women under the age of thirty and angry bald men working for political organizations. The more inane each exchange, the better. You want interviews - say, one about illegal immigration - to sound like this one:

BECK: Since you're authorized to speak for all Mexicans, let me ask you this.
ARELLANO: Sure.
BECK: The Virgin of Guadalupe.
ARELLANO: Yes.
BECK: What's the need to display her on everything from T-shirts to bumper stickers? I mean, she's not Dora the Explorer.
ARELLANO: No, she's our beloved mother. You know, the empress of the Americas. And, you know, Mexican Catholicism is different from, I guess, American Catholicism in that we treat the sacred and the profane the same way. So we could have the Virgin of Guadalupe in our churches, but we'll also have her on hub cups. And I've even seen her in guacamole, too.
BECK: Chipotle sauce.
ARELLANO: Chipotle sauce.

Now that, my friend, is quality television. Don't forget to quietly phase out your network's old motto: "the most trusted name in news."

But really now, can you believe they cancelled shows like CNN Crossfire for this nonsense? For those of you unfamiliar with Crossfire, it was the greatest show ever. The entire show consisted of two Democrats and two Republicans, who would sit across a table from each other. The room was painted blue on the Democrat side and red on the Republican side, and in the background it had a large picture of a donkey and elephant squaring off. Following some pretty lights and 3-D animated introductions, a bell would sound and the show would start. The two sides would then proceed to point and call each other names until the bell sounded again. An enthusiastic live studio audience of college students would cheer them on. Television at its finest.

Why, CNN? Why?