Friday, May 26, 2006

Religion for Dummies

Well hello again, and welcome back to the rest of your life. It's been a while since my last post, so let's get this ball rolling again, shall we?

So I found an incredible book at a rummage sale. Seriously, incredible. It's titled You Can Live Forever in Paradise on Earth and is brought to us by everyone's favorite religious group, the Jehovah's Witnesses. This book is fantastic! It answers all of life's great questions with cookbook-style simplicity and pretty pictures that resemble something out of a drugged San Francisco hobo's canvas. With chapter titles such as "Wicked Spirits are Powerful" and "The End of the World is at Hand!" and "What You Must Do to Live Forever," this book is a real gem. (click to enlarge pictures, or you'll burn in eternal burningnage)

On evolution versus creation:
"When you are in your house, ask yourself: Did my desk, lamp, bed, chair, table, walls, or even the house itself, evolve? Of did they need a maker? Of course intelligent persons had to make them!"
On women:
"As the Bible says, the woman was made as a helper to her husband... when wives push ahead, trying to take over headship, their action is almost sure to cause trouble... By fulfilling her Bible-assigned role as 'helper and complement' to her husband, she makes it easy for her husband to love her."
On books:

Burn them.

On heaven:

Apparently, Heaven involves picking lots of apples. And conspicuously multi-ethnic people picking said apples. Notice the boy hugging the lion. Yep, that's right, kids. Join our church and you'll get a PET LION!

Heaven also has a bearded guy with a golden crown sitting on a really pimpin' shiny throne that is visible in the sky at night. Maybe he makes appearances at discos.

People in Heaven have really awesome hair.

My favorite part of this book is about the return of Christ. The writers of this book made careful calculations from the Bible and came to the indisputable conclusion that - get this - Christ returned to earth on October 1, 1914. That's right, 1914. And not only that, but he also founded a new country that year and is currently ruling it as a monarch. Unfortunately, the book does not specify exactly which country this is, although it does note that it is intentionally hard to find. Maybe it's some small middle eastern autocracy? Or a tiny island nation in the Pacific? Funny choices for our King of Kings, but I'm not going to be the one caught doubting the word of God when the victorious armies of Kuwait claim the world for His heavenly kingdom. No sir.

This book was totally worth the dollar I paid for it. I highly recommend it to anyone.


Blogger Tyler said...

is that preist at the top doing karate? don't mess with no karate priest.

8:04 AM  
Blogger cookiestork said...

Hey! Drugged San Francisco hobos are cool... they're really smart for some weird reason. Those paintings are offensive to the hobos.

9:02 PM  
Blogger Zoso said...

I bet fidel castro is jesus

4:10 PM  
Blogger Jeff said...

I literally laughed out loud at the burning books thing. And cookiestork's right about the hobos. And reading that about women makes me want to join a feminist organization.

12:22 AM  

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