Wednesday, July 12, 2006

Dear Canada,

I write to you because in recent years the sheer audacity of your contempt for my way of life has become utterly intolerable. No longer shall I stand idly while you ruthlessly impinge upon all that I love and cherish. Truth, love, democracy, and freedom itself are at stake. Through base deceit you have made many a nation turn a blind eye to your treachery, but I am not so easily hoodwinked.

I know that you are now the second largest nation in the world. I know that you have been supporting your whale population—but are you protecting them for posterity, or training them to attack warships? I know of only one use for your English and French bilingualism—to subvert the communications of your enemies. I know that over 90% of your population is concentrated within two hundred kilometers of your southern border—just waiting for the right moment to strike. I know.

But I am undaunted by the terrible oppression wrought by your mounted police, undaunted by the crushing stickiness of your syrup, undaunted by the overwhelming numbers of your geese, undaunted by the subversive omnipresence of your bacon. No matter how tall your totem poles or excellent your welfare, I shall be steadfast in my stand against your boundless aggression. Just as I turned away the Kaiser's iron fist nearly a century ago, so shall I turn away the iron fist hidden within the maple leaf. I am prepared to make the ultimate sacrifice in the defense of my homeland against the Canadian scourge.

As of now, I hereby disavow recognition of your sovereignty as a nation. All diplomatic ties are dissolved immediately. If you should wish to regain your former standing with me, then you are to cease and desist your vile villainy. If and when you have done so utterly, completely, absolutely, exhaustively, unconditionally, and utterly—and only when you have done so utterly, completely, absolutely, exhaustively, unconditionally, and utterly—you shall stand as a lone bastion of evil. Not even an axis of evil would stoop to accept so deplorable an ally. You stand alone against me and a fair and just world.




Blogger Tyler said...

that's initiative. we cannot stant idly by while such an evil power exists in the world! Onward, christian soldiers!

9:00 PM  

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