Wednesday, December 28, 2005

The Reason for the Season

Whatever it is that fool self-proclaimed cynosure Tyler is up to, he is clearly plagiarizing my work. Ignoring his inane rants, I bring you this lovely mockery of everyone's favorite display of seasonal religious bigotry. (Click to enlarge)

Pop Muzik

I cannot believe the sheer audacity of my counterpart, Kevin. Mentioning religion, on a religious holiday! Honestly. However, proles, I would ask you to remember this; the Earth's tilt is the reason for the season.

Deftly sidestepping the above issue, I would like to direct you to my Next Weekly Post! This brilliant master stroke will deal with the gigantic paradox that is popular music. For now I will merely humbly comment on a particular song; perhaps in the future one will be able to listen to the inanity for one's self! In my proverbial crosshairs this week:

Mariah Carey - Don't Forget About Us

I freely admit that I have not heard this song. But it is by Mariah Carey, and at the moment is the most popular song in America. It must be horrible, to have gotten that far. Her horribly melismatic style is punishment for the ears. Would it kill people to sing one note at a time? We understand that she is a talented singer; must she rub it in our faces over and over again? Mariah Carey's style is merely music for music's sake. Atrocious!


Monday, December 26, 2005

It's Doom and Gloom Monday!

I hate Mondays. And because my opinion is the only one that matters, you should too. Every Monday, which shall henceforth be called Doom and Gloomday, I will bring you bad news. I also decree that for an arbitrary length of time the theme of Doom and Gloomday news shall be cancer. As you know, or will know by the time you finish reading this sentence, everything causes cancer. Everything. This fine Doom and Gloomday, take note that grilling meat causes cancer.
"For the age groups that we're studying, the rate at which women who eat well-done meat are developing breast cancer is nearly five times greater than the rate among women who are not cooking their meat well-done."
I'm certainly not going to let some stupid slab of mutilated animal carcass mess with MY cytochrome P-450 enzyme system. No sir. Down with cooked meat!

Sunday, December 25, 2005

Picture of the Week

In the entropic madness that is the internet one frequently finds bizarre and ironic photos. When you are done reading Tyler's mindless blather you may enjoy the Picture of the Week I, in my selfless philanthropy, choose to share with you. I can smell the Nobel Prize already. (Click to enlarge)

Saturday, December 24, 2005

Something stupid this way comes, pt. 1

Hello, this is Tyler again.

From here on out (every Saturday) I will post a column on a pop culture artifact that is stupid, overrated, ridiculous, and generally below me. Whether it be person, place or thing, I can assure you that you will never look at it the same way again.

The commemorative first subject of my ire:
Conceived as a part of a "Music Genome Project", Pandora allows one to find songs or artists with similar attributes to songs or artists that they like. A well intentioned project, to be sure. However, the founders of the project seem to be missing one key point about listening to music; people like good music. I don't particularly care how many attributes Good Charlotte may share with any of the bands I listen to, they still suck miserably. Though the service occasionally comes up with something new and interesting, the fact remains that I'm not looking for something that sounds like this one fantastic song I own; I'm looking for another fantastic song. If you insist on being painfully narrow-minded about your musical tastes, I imagine you'll have a grand time with this. For the militantly open minded, however, stick to your own vast, diverse music libraries. Honestly, the very idea that you would like something simply because it has "similar attributes" strikes me as philosophically void.

That said, have some holiday!
Tyler, signing off.

Wednesday, December 21, 2005

The Next Big Thing!

Hello and welcome to the Next Big Thing.

My name is Tyler, I am the co-founder and creative energy behind Elitist Indifference, and I am going to change everything. I will change the way you look at the internet. I will change the way you listen to music. I will change the way you eat breakfast.

But fear not this change, my lovely readers. Rest assured that the future of the world is in good, reliable hands. Now go about your normal, boring lives for now, but soon enough I shall be back with earth-shaking material. For I am Tyler, and the world shall hear my roar.

P.S.: I sang lead vocals on that New York, New York track. I'm so talented.

Holiday Greetings or Lack Thereof from Kevin

I have not properly introduced myself: I am Kevin, but you may call me Kevin. I am the leader, founder, and most certainly the best of Elitist Indifference. I enjoy jazz and classic movies, but all you really need to know is that my taste in music and entertainment is superior to yours. And don't even think about my political views - your inferior mind probably can't even begin to comprehend them.

In other news I, in my great generosity and boundless compassion, wish you a happy holiday(s) or lack thereof. Here is a candy tank made by yours truly. Because candy houses suck. God bless America. (Click to enlarge)

Tuesday, December 20, 2005

Mission Statement

We are so much better than you, we don't need to tell you our mission nor do you need to know. Peon. But don't start thinking we don't have a mission just because we're not going to tell you. You trust us, of course. Because we're better than you.

Seeing that you lowly tools have an infinitesimal attention span, we will now divert your attention away from our refusal to state our mission by singing the theme from New York, New York. And by us, we mean both of us. Now isn't that patriotic?

Sunday, December 18, 2005

Appropriately Representative Title of First Post

Hello and welcome to the rest of your life. Please keep your arms and legs inside the vehicle at all times and remember that we are better than you. And by we, we mean us.