Wednesday, March 22, 2006

Democracy and Health Insurance Join Forces!

The sample special election ballots for the Congress seat formly held by our illustrious Randy "Duke" Cunningham arrived in my mailbox today. For those of you unfamiliar with San Diego politics, Mr. Cunningham was our glorious, honorable congressman who, being understandably human, unfortunately accepted a few bribes. Just a few. Around $2,400,000 to be exact, but that's beside the point.

Anyway, the race to replace him is concluding with this ballot. It looks ordinary enough on the outside, with the standard set of basic directions and conspicuously patriotic color scheme.

When I opened the ballot, however, I was surprised to discover that most of the ballot was occupied not by the ballot, but rather by advertisements and dieting advice. That's right - there are advertisements in the ballot. Your tax dollars are at work here, clearly.

(Click to enlarge - yes, these are actually in the ballot. I have trouble believing it too.) God bless America.

Saturday, March 04, 2006

The Many Lives of Elevators

Whoa. Remember ME?
Yeah, so elevators. If you've ever seen an action movie, you know what I mean. In said class of movies, there is always, always, an extremely tense scene where a group of characters is riding up in an elevator. Often the group is evil and thus the scene is of impending doom, but then the characters could also be good and the scene could simply be really really cool, suggesting an impending beat-down.

(Click to expand and view this modern day
Tower of Babel.)
So, this got me thinking, did movies even have tension before elevators? And in what other ways did elevators permanently change our lives? I made a list. Elevators:
  • Allow for the existence of elevator music, and subsequent bad puns relating to this.
  • Provide band after lame band with easy photo shoots.
  • Give an excuse to put a ridiculous amount of buttons in one place.
  • Give us an excuse to push every single one of said buttons at once.
  • Tempt us to push the very large and very red emergency button.
  • Increase our freedom by giving us the option to not walk anywhere.
And, finally,
  • Are but one of many representations of the eternal folly of mankind.
So every time you ride in an elevator, remember: religious allegory!

Thursday, March 02, 2006

Travel Guide: Washington, Part Two

Alas, it was sad to depart from the lovely little town of patrol helicopters and roadblocks, but all good things must come to an end. After an uneventful flight home, I was pleasantly surprised to discover that the contents of my baggage had been ransacked by unknown hands. It was okay though, because clearly whoever had furiously marauded through my belongings and left the fragile gift items damaged beyond repair had done so only with the best of intentions. Tucked away in a corner I discovered this (top left; click to enlarge unless you hate democracy) heartfelt apology for the melee that had transpired in my suitcase.

The "screening" of my bag most certainly must have gotten "physical." I am very sorry that the screeners were "forced" to break my items in order to fight terrorism. Damn you, terrorists! Forcing airport security to break my stuff! You will never break the resolve of our great nation!

I noticed that the note left in my bag was rather large and had been printed on thick cardstock. This must have cost our glorious, illustrious government extra money to print. Being the concerned citizen that I am, I propose that they shorten the message on the note to save their money for more important things, like munitions and tax cuts. Here is my simplified version of the note (bottom left). God bless America.