Monday, July 17, 2006

Never Smell of Forgiveness

Kevin and Tyler have a brief but life-changing dialogue about a small but life-changing product...

Kevin: Hello Tyler. Besides your odd choice in pants today, something else is unusual about you. I have a sudden and irrational urge to never forgive you for being alive.

Tyler: I'm glad you like my new cologne. With this new scent, my success rate with women has risen 200%. It's from P'diddy's men's line - that's right, rappers sell cologne now. It has a perfect, unimpeachable name, fitting right in with the new image of...

Kevin: UNFORGIVABLE™! Tyler, you smell utterly UNFORGIVEABLE™ today. But not only that. You smell of a new lifestyle, a new you.

Attractive Female Bystander: Tyler, may I bear your children?

Tyler: Perhaps. I should check my schedule. I might be able to book you in...

P. Diddy: UNFORGIVABLE™ cologne by Sean John is a visceral fragrance that blends chemistry and emotion. It stimulates the senses in ways never imagined and is a rare blend of pure, uncontained, and unrestrained emotion... The UNFORGIVABLE™ man is distinctive with a driving passion. (It really says that)

Tyler: Can you not smell the pure emotion in my cologne?

Indeed, both of you smell of such complete, utter, and UNFORGIVABLE™ emotional saturation that I can hardly stifle my admiration for your distinctive, driving passion for living life to the fullest.

Tyler: Yes, well, it's all in the bottle - yours for only $74.99! You too can live life UNFORGIVABLY™.

Kevin: Clearly, being such a fan of Pe Diddee, I can hardly restrain myself from dashing to the nearest Wal-Mart and purchasing this product immediately. But I don't know if I'm ready to be UNFORGIVABLE™ yet. I don't know if I'm ready to leave behind my boring life and become what I've always wanted to be.

Tyler: Kevin, what you talkin' 'bout? Don't you want to be more like p. Dyddy? Why in Jersy would you delay such overwhelming passion?

Kevin: Perhaps because UNFORGIVABLE™ is composed of not one, not two, but three distinct elements: Cool, Fresh, and Sexy.

pDiddi: This could be you:

Tyler: See, you too could get hott sideways makeouts at the New York Stock Exchange! With tongue!

Kevin: Clearly a product that all sane men must have. Thanks Pî Diddy! I think it's time that I, too, began smelling UNFORGIVABLE™.

Aviator sunglasses sold separately.

Wednesday, July 12, 2006

Dear Canada,

I write to you because in recent years the sheer audacity of your contempt for my way of life has become utterly intolerable. No longer shall I stand idly while you ruthlessly impinge upon all that I love and cherish. Truth, love, democracy, and freedom itself are at stake. Through base deceit you have made many a nation turn a blind eye to your treachery, but I am not so easily hoodwinked.

I know that you are now the second largest nation in the world. I know that you have been supporting your whale population—but are you protecting them for posterity, or training them to attack warships? I know of only one use for your English and French bilingualism—to subvert the communications of your enemies. I know that over 90% of your population is concentrated within two hundred kilometers of your southern border—just waiting for the right moment to strike. I know.

But I am undaunted by the terrible oppression wrought by your mounted police, undaunted by the crushing stickiness of your syrup, undaunted by the overwhelming numbers of your geese, undaunted by the subversive omnipresence of your bacon. No matter how tall your totem poles or excellent your welfare, I shall be steadfast in my stand against your boundless aggression. Just as I turned away the Kaiser's iron fist nearly a century ago, so shall I turn away the iron fist hidden within the maple leaf. I am prepared to make the ultimate sacrifice in the defense of my homeland against the Canadian scourge.

As of now, I hereby disavow recognition of your sovereignty as a nation. All diplomatic ties are dissolved immediately. If you should wish to regain your former standing with me, then you are to cease and desist your vile villainy. If and when you have done so utterly, completely, absolutely, exhaustively, unconditionally, and utterly—and only when you have done so utterly, completely, absolutely, exhaustively, unconditionally, and utterly—you shall stand as a lone bastion of evil. Not even an axis of evil would stoop to accept so deplorable an ally. You stand alone against me and a fair and just world.