Wednesday, May 31, 2006

The FOX Effect

So you're a television news network executive. You're facing stiff competition from FOX News and other networks resorting to mindless sensationalism to attract more viewers. Your reporters just aren't cutting it, despite your recent special reports featuring a graphic decapitation, two helicopters being shot down by the same missile, and a snake eating an alligator. Even your new reporter, a former prosecutor who never blinks and is in an eternal state of controlled outrage and whose advertising slogan is "I'm Nancy Grace... AND I'M LOCKED AND LOADED!" just isn't pulling it off.

Fine. Your solution, then, is to hire a formerly drug-addicted, disc-jockeying Mormon, make him get a haircut, and put him on the air as the "new and refreshing" voice in your network. Instruct him to laugh at all of his own jokes and confine his interviews exclusively to sexy blonde women under the age of thirty and angry bald men working for political organizations. The more inane each exchange, the better. You want interviews - say, one about illegal immigration - to sound like this one:
BECK: Since you're authorized to speak for all Mexicans, let me ask you this.
BECK: The Virgin of Guadalupe.
BECK: What's the need to display her on everything from T-shirts to bumper stickers? I mean, she's not Dora the Explorer.
ARELLANO: No, she's our beloved mother. You know, the empress of the Americas. And, you know, Mexican Catholicism is different from, I guess, American Catholicism in that we treat the sacred and the profane the same way. So we could have the Virgin of Guadalupe in our churches, but we'll also have her on hub cups. And I've even seen her in guacamole, too.
BECK: Chipotle sauce.
ARELLANO: Chipotle sauce.

Now that, my friend, is quality television. Don't forget to quietly phase out your network's old motto: "the most trusted name in news."

But really now, can you believe they cancelled shows like CNN Crossfire for this nonsense? For those of you unfamiliar with Crossfire, it was the greatest show ever. The entire show consisted of two Democrats and two Republicans, who would sit across a table from each other. The room was painted blue on the Democrat side and red on the Republican side, and in the background it had a large picture of a donkey and elephant squaring off. Following some pretty lights and 3-D animated introductions, a bell would sound and the show would start. The two sides would then proceed to point and call each other names until the bell sounded again. An enthusiastic live studio audience of college students would cheer them on. Television at its finest.

Why, CNN? Why?

Friday, May 26, 2006

Religion for Dummies

Well hello again, and welcome back to the rest of your life. It's been a while since my last post, so let's get this ball rolling again, shall we?

So I found an incredible book at a rummage sale. Seriously, incredible. It's titled You Can Live Forever in Paradise on Earth and is brought to us by everyone's favorite religious group, the Jehovah's Witnesses. This book is fantastic! It answers all of life's great questions with cookbook-style simplicity and pretty pictures that resemble something out of a drugged San Francisco hobo's canvas. With chapter titles such as "Wicked Spirits are Powerful" and "The End of the World is at Hand!" and "What You Must Do to Live Forever," this book is a real gem. (click to enlarge pictures, or you'll burn in eternal burningnage)

On evolution versus creation:
"When you are in your house, ask yourself: Did my desk, lamp, bed, chair, table, walls, or even the house itself, evolve? Of did they need a maker? Of course intelligent persons had to make them!"
On women:
"As the Bible says, the woman was made as a helper to her husband... when wives push ahead, trying to take over headship, their action is almost sure to cause trouble... By fulfilling her Bible-assigned role as 'helper and complement' to her husband, she makes it easy for her husband to love her."
On books:

Burn them.

On heaven:

Apparently, Heaven involves picking lots of apples. And conspicuously multi-ethnic people picking said apples. Notice the boy hugging the lion. Yep, that's right, kids. Join our church and you'll get a PET LION!

Heaven also has a bearded guy with a golden crown sitting on a really pimpin' shiny throne that is visible in the sky at night. Maybe he makes appearances at discos.

People in Heaven have really awesome hair.

My favorite part of this book is about the return of Christ. The writers of this book made careful calculations from the Bible and came to the indisputable conclusion that - get this - Christ returned to earth on October 1, 1914. That's right, 1914. And not only that, but he also founded a new country that year and is currently ruling it as a monarch. Unfortunately, the book does not specify exactly which country this is, although it does note that it is intentionally hard to find. Maybe it's some small middle eastern autocracy? Or a tiny island nation in the Pacific? Funny choices for our King of Kings, but I'm not going to be the one caught doubting the word of God when the victorious armies of Kuwait claim the world for His heavenly kingdom. No sir.

This book was totally worth the dollar I paid for it. I highly recommend it to anyone.

Thursday, May 18, 2006

Psst: We Don't Really Care.

So, you may have noticed we haven't really been updating the site.

Well, we hate to break it to you, but you know, we just don't care about you. It's not to say we didn't get along. You loved us. We educated you. Really, a prosperous relationship all around. But you know, this whole thing hasn't really been working out for us. Because we just don't care about you.

It's nothing personal. Really. It isn't. But we'd like to live our lives, too. This doesn't mean all those whispered promises and songs will come to naught. It simply means that there will be some changes around here.

I hope we can still do our old thing some time. You know, we post, you comment. For old times sake. Maybe we can even be condescending to you again. That's always fun.

Anyway, things will work out the way they work out. Only we know the future, and we're not telling you or ourselves. In the meantime, we're not really sorry for all the pain and sorrow we may have caused you. But we'll acknowledge it's there. Just for you.

This isn't goodbye. We just don't have time for you right now. If we come back crawling out of boredom or abandonment, try and forget this for us, ok?

Thanks. I'm glad we had this talk.